


inexplicable, nearly pathological fear of ducks

by Acaeria



Series: and when one feels like a duck, one is happy [1]
Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Teasing, Tim has a fear of ducks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:54:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25192717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acaeria/pseuds/Acaeria
Summary: “You’re… afraid of ducks?” Duke asks.“No I’m no–” Tim’s voice cracks, and he cuts himself off, clearing his throat. “No, I’m– of course I’m not.”
Relationships: Stephanie Brown/Tim Drake, but like.... implied and very vague. blink and you'll miss it.
Series: and when one feels like a duck, one is happy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826305
Comments: 8
Kudos: 172





	inexplicable, nearly pathological fear of ducks

**Author's Note:**

> i once again have the folks on the fandom support group server to thank for this nonsense 
> 
> i don't know why 'borderline crackfics based on podcast bits' is a theme with me, but here we are. this one's based on s3e7/e35 of wolf 359.

It’s a quiet night and Bruce has decided that, instead of going out and patrolling, the younger members of the family should stay in the Cave, running comms and sorting through the files on the Bat Computer. Tim and Bruce have been working on some updates, and their last one had an unexpected glitch that left all of the files scattered and out of place. Steph thinks that she has better things to do with her time, and if she’d known this was how she’d be spending her night, she’d have stayed at home.

Then she opens a folder to see what’s inside, and a grin spreads across her face.

“Hey, guys,” she says. “I found B’s psychological profiles on us.” 

“Bruce keeps psychological profiles on us?” Duke asks, then shakes his head. “Of course he does. Why would I even ask.”

“I don’t see why this is an issue,” Damian says. “Just put the file in its proper place, Brown.” 

“Aw, come on, don’t you wanna see what B-man says about you?”

“No,” Damian says, immediately. “Do you?”

Steph thinks on that for a second. She doesn’t, but she _does_ want to know what he says about the others. Before anyone can stop her, she’s clicking to open the file.

“Are you seriously reading your own profile?” Duke asks. Steph shakes her head.

“No, of course not. I’m reading Tim’s.”  
Tim, who’s been ignoring them up until this point, snaps his head towards her, eyes narrowed. “Steph. What are you doing.”

Steph just smirks, skimming through the text in front of her. It’s not exactly anything she doesn’t expect– tendency to overwork, self-sacrificial to a fault, poor reactions to grief– but then her eyes land on something that makes her grin.

“Guys,” she says, barely containing her mirth, “Listen to this.”  
Tim leans forward, as if to stop her, but Cass is sat between them, and she looks interested, and Steph thinks she may be purposefully angling her body to prevent Tim from getting to Steph, though it’s impossible to tell for sure, and this is why Cass is Steph’s favourite.

“ _Red Robin is once again being cleared for field work as his mental health currently passes the minimum standards, except, of course, for his inexplicable, nearly pathological fear of ducks_.” 

The room is silent for a long, long moment. Steph can see Tim’s rapidly intensifying blush out of the corner of her eye.

“You’re… afraid of ducks?” Duke asks.

“No I’m no–” Tim’s voice cracks, and he cuts himself off, clearing his throat. “No, I’m– of course I’m not.”

Duke looks amazed, and Damian is scowling, and Cass’s smile is nearly as wide as Steph’s own.

“ _Quack_ ,” she says. Steph chokes on a snort. Tim stares at his sister, betrayal keen on his face.

“Stop that,” he says. 

“... _Quack_.” 

“I said stop it!” Tim throws his arms up in frustration, and the rest of them burst into laughter– well, except for Damian, but he’s smirking, and that’s basically the same thing. “It’s not funny!” Tim crosses his arms, pouting. 

“Not to go against you, Tim–” Duke wheezes.

“But it’s the funniest thing I’ve _ever_ heard,” Steph finishes, grabbing Cass on the shoulder to prevent herself from falling out of her chair.

“Drake,” Damian speaks up. “Is the reason you decided to make your codename your surname– a _monumentally_ stupid decision, by the way– because you’re afraid of ducks?”

Tim goes even redder, which Steph hadn’t thought was even possible, and _oh my god_. “Wait. Wait wait wait. I thought it was– I thought it was Drake, like the dragon. Are you telling me it’s Drake, like the duck?”

Tim buries his face in his hands and groans. “They’re the most dangerous bird,” he mumbles, and everyone is losing it.

“You’ve faced down aliens and murderers and assassins, and you think _ducks_ are dangerous?” Duke’s voice is somewhere between scandalised, doubtful, and ecstatic. 

“Please stop,” Tim moans. “Please, I can’t take this any more.”

Cass nods. “Okay, little brother,” she says. Steph reaches over to ruffle Tim’s hair.

“Okay, boy wonder, no more teasing. Let’s get back to work.”

She exchanges a glance with Cass, who nods at her. Steph grins, and turns back to her screen.

No more teasing… for tonight, at least. 

* * *

Tim is in hell. No, this is worse than hell, because hell is, to some extent, a physical place that you could walk out of, if you really tried. Tim cannot walk out of this, because this hell is the fact that not only do Steph and Cass _know_ about his anatidaephobia, but they seem to be going to every length to remind him that they know.

They’ve covered every duck that appears in any painting or photograph displayed in the manor with a sticky note. They managed to get onto his computer when he wasn’t looking, and set up a content filter to hide any trace of ducks from him on all devices. When they go to the park, Steph covers his eyes with her hands and Cass drags them both away from the duck pond, Steph apologising profusely for exposing him to his fears with a shit-eating grin audible in her voice (and honestly, Tim is kind of grateful to not have to look at or be around the ducks, but it doesn’t mean he’s happy about how they’re going about it). 

And of _course_ everyone else picks up on it. 

* * *

“Tim,” Dick says, catching him on his way out of the manor one day, “Why didn’t you tell me?” Tim frowns, because Dick looks genuinely upset.

“Uhh, tell you what?” he asks. 

“About your fear of ducks,” Dick says. “Do you not trust me enough to confide in me? Is this an issue?”

“What? No,” Tim says, pushing him off. “I didn’t tell you because I don’t tell anyone, because it’s _embarrassing_. I don’t know how Bruce even knew.” 

“Aw, you don’t have to be embarrassed, Tim! We all have our fears, it’s okay to be afraid.”

 _Yeah, but not of ducks_ , Tim doesn’t say. Instead he says, “I gotta go, I’m gonna be late,” and rushes out the door.

* * *

Tim ends up working with Red Hood on a stakeout, a job that is incredibly boring at the best of times, and incredibly _painful_ with Steph’s latest reminder, a meme image with a duck poorly censored. He sighs.

“Wanna help me plan a murder?” he asks Jason. Jason looks at him, and Tim can’t see his expression, but he has a distinctly bemused air about him.

“Who’re you tryna kill?”

“Steph.”

“What’d blondie do?” Jason seems confused.

“She found out a secret the other week and she’s being a little shit about it,” Tim says, purposefully vague. 

“Ohhh, is this about the duck thing?”  
Tim groans. “How. How do you know? Does everybody know?”

Jason snorts. “Don’t sweat it too much, Replacement. She’s only doing this because it’s so easy to wind you up. If you acted unbothered by it, it wouldn’t be fun to her.”

“It’s really hard to act unbothered around Steph,” Tim says. 

“TMI, Red, TMI.”

“What– no! Ugh, you’re the worst.”

Tim pulls out his phone, and sends a text.

_Hey, Kon, wanna help me plan two murders?_

* * *

Batman comes to join him on the roof as he watches the cops arrest the perpetrators below.

“Good work, tonight,” he says, and Tim nods.

“Thanks.”

They stand in silence for a moment, before Bruce says, awkwardly, “I get it, you know.”

Tim looks at him, eyebrow raised. “Get what?”

“The whole Drake thing,” Bruce says. “I’m afraid of bats, too.”

Tim scowls. “Not you too,” he groans. “Please. Just drop it. I don’t want to think about ducks.”

“Right. Of course. Sorry.” A pause. “Carry on.” He leaves. Tim sighs. 

From the darkness, he hears a quiet, familiar, “ _Quack_.” 


End file.
